Your browser is no longer supported

For the best possible experience using our website we recommend you upgrade to a newer version or another browser.

Your browser appears to have cookies disabled. For the best experience of this website, please enable cookies in your browser

We'll assume we have your consent to use cookies, for example so you won't need to log in each time you visit our site.
Learn more

The question Jokes


Scientists have set themselves the enviable task of collecting the country's most hilarious gags as part of a study into the psychology of humour and the workings of the human brain. So what is your top quip?

A short one. . .

Patient: 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home.'

Doctor: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

Patient: 'Is it common?'

Doctor: 'It's not unusual.'

And some engineering ones. . .

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?' The second replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said: 'Take what you want.' The first engineer nodded approvingly: 'Good choice; The clothes probably wouldn't have fit.'

And another: The graduate with a science degree asks:

'Why does it work?' The graduate with an engineering degree asks:

'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks: 'How much will it cost?' The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Peter Middlebrooke, 30, graduate civil engineer, Yorkshire What is the difference between a French and a Belgian kiss? A Belgian kiss has more Flem.

Tim Evans, 38 , project manager, York

My dog has no nose.

How does it smell?

It can't, its got no nose.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick The old ones are the oldest.

A couple of West Virginia hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He seems not to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The hunter says, 'OK, now what?'

Graeme Monteith, business development manager, Glasgow With all the Virus scares recently, and the fact that I am from Northern Ireland, this is one of the best I have been sent recently:

You have just received an Irish virus. Since we are not so technologically advanced in Ireland this is a MANUAL virus.

Please delete all files on your hard disk yourself and send this mail to everyone you know. That'd be grand, tanx. Paddy O'Hacker What did Captain Cook say to his men before they got on to the ship?

Get on the ship men.

You really had to be there to enjoy that one.

Teresa Coyle, technical officer, London

Have your say

You must sign in to make a comment

Please remember that the submission of any material is governed by our Terms and Conditions and by submitting material you confirm your agreement to these Terms and Conditions. Please note comments made online may also be published in the print edition of New Civil Engineer. Links may be included in your comments but HTML is not permitted.