Thursday: Woe is me! My head is full of glorious plans to celebrate the new millennium, but my pocket contains a mere 50 quid, a creased photo of Anthea Turner and some fluff. The decision to withhold funding for my £500M, GS2000 millennium extravaganza is a grave mistake. Why should it be spent instead on the National Museum of Mandy's Toenail Clippings?
Friday: Lunch at the Ivy with people's architect Lord Ted '321' Rogers and MD of consultant Bureau Stranglehold. Inform them that GS2000 is cancelled, replaced by retro-cheap GS'74. The bad news is that their services are no longer required as massive glass dome is being replaced by a pint-sized greenhouse. Then explain that the revised £50 budget will not cover fees for work so far undertaken. Bureau Stranglehold MD puts me in a stranglehold while Rogers kicks me in the shins before complaining that it scuffed his Paul Smith shoes.
Saturday: Brian from the local DIY megastore rings. 'Just letting you know the Dreamgarden Economy Greenhouse with opening door facility is in stock and currently reduced to £20,' he says with a Birmingham lilt. 'It was featured rather prominently on Watchdog last week, something to do with arterial lacerations, and we are keen to clear our stocks.' Brilliant! That still leaves me with £30 for exhibits. I'll pick it up tomorrow.
Sunday: Up at dawn to visit every car boot sale in Kent. Manage to pick up some real gems and still spend less than a fiver: this is what value engineering is all about! There is no doubt I'll be able to bring GS'74 in to budget.
Among my hoard is a crocheted flamenco dancer lavatory roll cover, which I think will form the centrepiece to an informative display on European culture expressed through the medium of dance. The highlight is a jigsaw depicting a sleepy Cotswold village. Because there are a few pieces missing I haggle the price down to 40p. Intend to use the jigsaw as an interactive demonstration of 18th century English vernacular architecture.
Pick up greenhouse. While heading towards checkout notice pruning shears on special offer. This means there is no need to abandon my original plans for an interactive exhibit of forking and pruning through the ages. GS'74 looks set to capture the heart and mind of the nation!
Tuesday: Phone rings. It's Mandy himself! 'Sorry my toenails got in the way of your dome,' he says cryptically. 'I was wondering if you'd forget all about GS'74 and come on board the Millennium Dome project responsible for choosing the contents. We've been following your plans and particularly like the forking and pruning idea. The first meeting is next week. Bring some mood boards outlining your general concepts.'
Say yes in a state of shock. After I put the phone down I realise my knees are sore from bowing and scraping. I'd better find out what a mood board is pretty sharpish.